These are five things you’ll feel in an unplanned pregnancy.
On December 15 of 2014, I sat in my bathroom and stared at a positive pregnancy test. My head and my stomach started to throb, and slight melodrama aside, I thought I was going to die. So much had happened in the last few months, and I did not have the skills or the desire to deal with something bigger than me, something life-changing. While I was feeling so much, the five feelings I could most clearly identify were shock, fear, denial, anger, and acceptance of my unplanned pregnancy.
The first emotion that stifled me for days was shock. How could this be possible? I felt like a child and somehow I was growing one inside me as well. It didn’t feel real, there was no way it could be real. Part of me hoped that the home test was a fluke and that when I took one administered by a doctor it would be different and I wouldn’t be in charge of anyone’s future.
The fear I felt about the situation was overwhelming. I was afraid of telling my boyfriend, of telling my family, of ruining this child’s future in any way. The night of that positive pregnancy test, I didn’t sleep because I was so consumed by fear. I waited until Michael got home from work and as soon as I saw him began to sob. After the initial fear of telling people subsided, the fear of making the wrong choice kept at me and sent my anxiety sky high. It is a truly scary thing to get pregnant when you aren’t ready to be, because it isn’t just about you and what you may or may not want.
Oh denial, my old friend. How I used you so often then. In association with my shock, I was also in denial, trying to convince myself that none of this was real, it was simply a dream I would wake from. When indeed it wasn’t, the denial of telling myself it was a good thing that I was pregnant, that parenting this child was something that I could do, that maybe this is just how life was supposed to work out. When that denial faded, I worked to convince myself that once I got through with this pregnancy and went through with the adoption plan, I could return to life as normal, that grief wouldn’t be so hard, that I would just be okay. Deny, deny, deny. It helps no one in the long run, but at times during my unplanned pregnancy, denial was almost a saving grace.
I had always considered myself a careful person when it came to sex and the use of birth control. So believe me when I say that I was so angry at myself for “allowing this to happen.” I was angry because I felt guilt and I felt shame. I was angry because my decisions had affected the lives of others. I was also angry that I was staring motherhood in the face, growing this exquisite life inside of me, and I wasn’t ready and it wasn’t my time, that I wouldn’t have been the mom I wanted to be for him.
5. Acceptance of the Situation
Acceptance is slow and hard. Accepting that I was facing an unplanned pregnancy, that I had to make a choice, and that I may struggle with the choice made, etc. took time and persistent personal work. I accepted that we needed to make an adoption plan and did my very best to make sure that he had the best parents I could find.
When faced with an unplanned pregnancy, it can be difficult to not allow your emotions to dictate the outcome. While you should embrace and explore your feelings, try to make sure you have the clearest head possible when trying to make choices. Don’t allow others to pressure you or warp the situation further. Find a friend or a counselor to help when it is all too much. At the end of the day, remember that whatever you choose, it is your choice as to what happens to you and your baby.
Written by Samantha Alkire
For more help regarding your crisis pregnancy, visit Adoption.com.